Moving Boundaries and Escalation

AFF Newsletter Premium #8

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I recently wrote a Birth of Clarity article about men’s porn use escalation and the boundaries broken by a need for novelty, and it made me think about my alcohol use.

After I lost my phone for the first time, I swore I would never drink again and that I would never lose another phone again. But I did.

After I woke up in a stranger's bed, I swore I would never drink again and that I wouldn’t pursue casual sex. But I did.

After I drove drunk, I swore I would never drink again and that I would never put myself in that position again. But I did.

I told myself that I would never drink and do drugs. I told myself that I would never put myself or others in danger because of my drinking. I told myself that I would quit drinking when my son arrived. I never kept those promises.

I would put up these boundaries around my drinking to try to limit the damage my boozing was doing but I would just kick them all down. I would then put different ones up but the number of things beyond these barriers grew smaller and smaller.

When I was unable to limit my drinking through these boundaries, I found myself stuck in a shame cycle.

I would set a boundary - I would break that boundary - I would feel shame about it.

This cycle continued until I finally quit drinking.

The last boundary was suicide. I was close to breaking that one too.

Thankfully, I found sobriety and I’m so grateful I found it when I did.

So what about novelty and escalation? I will address that below.