A Letter to My Son
AFF Newsletter on Substack #47
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When my son was born I was convinced that that would be the catalyst for change. That would be the time I finally kicked booze for good. Like many alcoholics, I set these deadlines to quit booze. I laid out these thresholds that I would not cross. But like many alcoholics, these deadlines and thresholds failed to stop my drinking.
Like any desperate drinker, I thought this time would be different. I mean, this was a life-changing moment. My own flesh and blood was now in the world. A wonderful extra responsibility in my life which, although I loved and relished, filled me with fear and trepidation.
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Becoming a first-time parent is scary. You have another mouth to feed. Another person to provide for. There are so many things to consider. So many questions to ask yourself. And the one looming over my head at the time was; when are you going to quit drinking? I asked myself that question a lot during the first few years of my son’s life.
Parenting with a hangover is painful. Being a dad with a destructive drinking habit is devastating. Although my drinking calmed down for a while, when I let my guard down the floodgates opened and booze tried to drown me. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance led to unnecessary stress, which ultimately led to more alcohol.
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Thankfully, I can say with a clear conscience that I never held my son when I was drunk. All my destructive drinking was reserved for when he was asleep or when he and his mother were visiting family. But that didn’t make it any easier. The weight of not being able to quit coupled with thoughts of being a bad father hit me hard.
Which led to more drinking.
Taking inspiration from fellow dad and awesome Substack author,
, I’ve written a letter to my son expressing my joy and pain from the first couple of years of his life. This was hard to write. You can find the letter below.I put a lot of time and effort into each article I write. If you find my writing helpful and you’d like to support me, then please consider becoming a premium subscriber or giving a one-off donation.
Dear son,
Watching you come into this world was a blessing. Holding you in my arms for the first time filled me with unrivalled joy and happiness. It was something I never thought I would experience and something I always tried to find in alcohol… and never could.
Being your dad is what I believe I was put on this earth for. To pass on life lessons and instil wisdom in you so you can go and conquer the world. But how could I do that when alcohol had taken over my mind? When booze had corrupted and defiled me.
I wanted so badly to kick my addiction to alcohol and although you never saw me drunk, I saw myself drunk. I hated thinking about my debaucherous drunken life when I gazed upon your pure and innocent face. Your eyes filled with wonder.
I tortured myself during the early years of your life because I wanted so badly to be the dad you needed me to be and I never thought I could be that with alcohol leading my life. I wanted so badly to quit and regain control of my thoughts, and my life.
I wanted you and only you to be the focus of my attention but booze had other plans. The devil’s drink wanted to take me from you. It wanted more than my attention, it wanted my life. I didn’t want to be apart from you but my demons were dragging me down.
When I found myself on the edge, purposely placed there by the devil, I could only think of you and the thought of leaving you behind was enough for an angel to save me and bring me back to you. Your joyous face took on a new meaning for me after that day.
As the alcohol withdrew from my body and the death grip of the devil disappeared, life became more colourful. You inspired the artists to paint my world with vibrancy and vitality. The darkness of addiction turned into the fluorescence of fatherhood.
Son, I love you. You inspired a great change in my life. You saved me. You are the reason I keep working on my recovery. You are the reason why I want to help other dads find sobriety. And why I wake up every day with a smile. Thank you, son.
Thank you for reading “A Letter to My Son”. If anything in this newsletter resonated with you, then I’d love to hear from you:
Check out the last free post “Stop! Don't Drink! Think of the Children”.
Take care of yourself and your family,
Roscoe | @AFFathers
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