Combating Chair Smashing Chaos with Clarity
AFF Newsletter on Substack #38
Welcome to the AFF Newsletter on Substack.
I recently shared a story with you about a chaotic beach trip I had with my son when he was a toddler. There was no real moral to that story, it was just one that I thought would entertain you.
So today I thought I would share another story with you, this time highlighting an issue I’ve come across in my parenting journey so far and some solutions to combat it.
One of the benefits of being a sober dad is being clearheaded enough to see the mistakes I am making as a parent. I doubt I could say the same if I were still drinking. Alcohol caused me brain fog!
During my drinking days, despite holding down a job, a marriage, friends and hobbies, I rarely operated at an elite level in anything I did because booze compromised my mental clarity.
If I was a dad back then I doubt I’d notice the areas I needed to improve to become a better father. If I did, then my boozing would probably destroy any positive progress I was making.
I also write the Birth of Clarity newsletter, please check it out!
That’s just the way it was when I drank. It’s impossible to count the number of promising projects I started and quit because my alcoholic brain couldn’t see past a few minor setbacks.
Have you experienced this? Did your alcohol use stop you from following your dreams? Did your boozing prevent you from seeing the mistakes you were making? Or did it stop you from fixing them?
When I drank, I was erratic. Not so much in terms of my behaviour but concerning the ideas I had and the obsessive, yet chaotic nature in which I went about trying to bring them to life.
I still have some of these traits but the beauty is, I don’t have alcohol running through my veins messing everything up. I can identify my negative behavioural attributes and work on them.
With that being said I still have more work to do, as I will share with you below. Know that whether you’re reading this newsletter or Birth of Clarity you’ll always get raw honesty.
One of the things that has always let me down is overreacting to the small things. Throw into the mix my tendency to exaggerate my huffing and puffing and you’ve got a potentially damaging behavioural trait for a parent.
The fact that I know my son is going to copy my behaviour makes it all the more destructive yet I’m still to eradicate it.
Typically, when I display this type of behaviour, he will work himself up into a state because that’s how he’s seen his dad react. Monkey see, monkey do.
The chair incident
Usually, my son and I are calm around each other but when we both react in this way then it’s game over. I take responsibility for this but as many parents will attest to, if you’re tired or stressed, you sometimes don’t act the way you normally would.
The other day I had just received some bad news. I had been hit with an unexpected tax bill that rocked me (I am honestly still shaken by it). As I read through it, reeling from the figure I saw in front of me, my son rifled a ball at my head.
Now normally in this situation, I would have turned around and laughed. Yes, it took me by surprise but it didn’t hurt. But as I looked down at the bill wondering how on earth I was going to pay it (I still don’t know how), that ball hitting me didn’t help!
After letting out a huge huff in frustration and yelling at him to take the ball outside, I returned to the depressing pieces of paper. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my son, he was partly upset that he’d smashed the ball against my head, partly angry at my reaction to it.
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This usually calm young lad then went outside and smashed the ball against one of the plastic chairs in our garden. When that wasn’t enough he threw it as hard as he could to the ground. As I watched it play out, I had two options: Shout at him or say nothing.
Annoyingly I chose the first, instead of waiting for him to let out his frustration/anger. After we had calmed down I found some time later on to talk to him about my reaction, and his reaction to my reaction, and we both decided that we would do better next time.
It wasn’t until the next day that the previous day’s chaos caused some consequences. Not knowing that he had broken the chair in his fit of rage, my son went to sit on it. But when he did, he let out an almighty scream. Part of it had snapped and where he sat on it, it caught his skin. It must have been so painful.
Picture below 👇
I’m sharing this story because I wanted to highlight the chaos our reactions, words and actions can cause our young children. We are there to guide them and show them how to react in certain situations. We are responsible for so many of their behavioural traits because they look to us as an example of how they should navigate this world. They’re always watching!
Although I’ve never smashed anything up in front of him - that’s never been my style - I’ve certainly passed on other bad traits. It’s important for me to watch out for them and correct them. I need to set a better example.
Huffing and puffing, as I’ve mentioned in the past, is something I need to eliminate from my behaviour. It’s not helpful and not something I want my son to be doing. The same for my reactions to things that have nothing to do with him.
He may have hit me with a football but I chose to let that letter affect my mood and change my behaviour. It had nothing to do with my son if I’m being honest.
I was too in my head to comprehend that his actions weren’t intentional and too wrapped up in ‘self’ to know that my emotional state had been changed due to the tax bill. I need to eliminate these negative reactions to external factors when I’m around him.
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The clarity of sobriety and the evergrowing strength of my recovery have allowed me to identify and combat behavioural parenting traits that are not beneficial to me or my son.
In this sort of situation, a momentary pause would have done wonders. It would have bought me time to process the situation and garner the appropriate response to it. When we as parents learn how to have control over our reactions rather than let our instant emotions take charge, we are much more likely to act by the principles, morals and values we’ve set for ourselves and want to pass on to our children.
Do you agree?
Being more intentional with our words, actions and behaviour will eradicate the chance of our reactions not falling in line with how we want to parent and will give our children stability and an example for them to follow confidently.
Thank you for reading. If anything in this newsletter resonated with you then I’d love to hear from you:
Take care of yourself and your family,
Roscoe | @AFFathers
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