The Haunting Faces of Halloween Horror
AFF Newsletter on Substack #41
Welcome to the AFF Newsletter on Substack.
Thank you for being here with me. Remember, you can also find AFF on Instagram, Twitter, Gumroad, Telegram, Buy Me A Coffee and via the website.
Halloween Horror
I’m pretty sure people knew I had a problem with alcohol long before I did. I knew I liked to party but didn’t realise I was an addict. But looking back now, there were so many signs that alcohol had taken control of my life.
Quite a few incidents spring to mind but one has been playing repeatedly in my head recently. It’s not an easy one to describe but it’s one that I know people who have been down the same path as me will recognise from their drinking journey.
It was Halloween - come to think of it, maybe it’s in my head because it’s that time of year - and I, along with my roommates, was hosting a house party. I had invited people from my work, some of whom had not experienced me outside of work.
I say “experienced me” because, at that point in time, I’d become almost like a circus attraction. My drunken exploits had become the talk of work and people wanted to see it for themselves. This was a source of pride and fuelled my ego - both of which served me no good.
I loved that I’d built up this reputation as a party animal but I should have realised I was out of control. I thought I was just a young guy having fun. However, I was a menace - as my colleagues were about to witness.
I was already a bottle of vodka in by the time the majority of our guests arrived. I was hyper. I had taken over the sound system and was only banging out the tunes I liked. I had told myself before the party that I needed to be calm and pace myself. But I’d failed.
Sadly this was the same conversation I had with myself many times during this period of my life. I was living away from my dad for the first time with some big partiers and I loved it. But in hindsight, these were some of my most destructive years.
I had begun to dread these nights as much as I looked forward to them because I knew that I would overdo it more often than not. I was living with a group of lads who liked to get fucked up as much as I did so it was no wonder that life at that time was chaotic.
I was sleeping with random girls, drinking nearly every night, taking drugs and having fun. Or so I thought. But I wasn’t too many years removed from losing my mum and had found myself in a situation where I could suppress that pain. So that’s what I did.
Drinking, taking drugs and partying is what helped me forget the pain I was feeling but as I’ve said previously, this did me so much more damage in the long run - I just didn’t know it at the time. I thought I was destined to live this party life forever.
Show your support by sharing the AFF Newsletter and earn rewards for your referrals:
At this particular party, I had my eyes set on one of my colleagues but one of my mates had taken a fancy to her too. So to suppress my jealous rage, I dropped some pills and drank some more. That’s when I noticed something that has always haunted me.
It was the look of horror on my some of colleagues' faces. It is still etched into my brain. I remember drunkenly chatting to them and trying to get them to drink. I was pressuring them to dance on the stripper pole we’d set up in the lounge. I was being a pain.
I still remember their faces looking at me. They were experiencing the drunken menace. They were face-to-face with a guy who had been possessed by alcoholic spirits and turned into this crazed party animal, far removed from the lad they worked with.
It was a look I’d seen before but this one stood out. I understood that the party was crazy and that maybe it wasn’t their scene, but it was the looks they were giving me. I will always remember them. Sadly, those looks were not enough for me to get my act together.
I had welcomed people into a world that they’d not seen before. This wasn’t the party they thought it would be. It was one run by a guy whose life was being run by alcohol, pain and fear. It was a party on steroids that only certain people could get jacked on.
The misfits excelled among the cobwebs, fake blood, skeletons and spooky paraphernalia. The party animals and addicts were paradoxically in their element and out of their depth. Many wanted to party without the inevitable next-day consequences of hangover and hook-ups.
There are many stories I could tell you about that night however the point of this article is not to sensationalise drinking but rather highlight its dysfunctional nature. The power that the liquid poison has to repulse normal people.
I will forever remember those faces looking back at me. Scared, yet intrigued, by the drunken lunatic in front of them - an alcohol-fuelled menace who merely thought he was being an entertaining host.
I also write the Birth of Clarity newsletter, please check it out!
I want you to know, if you’re still drinking, that it doesn't need to be like this. I’m sharing this story with you now because you’ve no doubt seen these faces looking back at you. You’ve no doubt had to give yourself the same pre-party pep talk that I did.
You’ve probably built up a reputation as the party guy or girl that you feel you need to live up to. Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t. You don’t need to go down this route. Believe me, it’s not worth it. I’ve been there and it’s not fun.
I will never deny that I enjoyed some of my drinking days. I’d be being dishonest if I did. But there were so many incidents like the one I’ve outlined above that outweighed the good times I experienced on booze.
I want you to know that the people looking at me that night were there for the spectacle and were left horrified by it. That’s probably been the same experience for people in your life too - whether you realise it or not.
Being known for your drinking and partying antics is not the accomplishment you think it is. It’s not the medal of honour you want. It’s not the hill you want to die on. Sobriety is. Getting sober now will save you years of this.
Recovery is possible. It’s something even the worst addicts have been able to achieve and you can too. I’m here to help as best I can. I want you to reach out if you’re struggling. I want you to overcome your alcohol addiction.
You don’t have to experience those horrified faces this Halloween. Alcohol needn’t control your life anymore. You have the strength within you to ditch the booze and better yourself - for you and your children. You can do this. I believe in you.
I hope you enjoyed this free edition of the AFF Newsletter on Substack. If you have any thoughts, questions or suggestions, then please get in touch:
Take care of yourself and your family,
AFF
If you’d like to support this newsletter, you can give a one-off donation here.
We do recover—if we follow a simple program. 🙏
I recognize my ex and so many family members in this. Not that I don't have my own crosses to bear, but thankfully alcohol has not been one of them. Just dumb luck, since being young and drinking and thinking only of the moment you are in is pushed by the culture. I was sooo fortunate in my first "real" job to learn that work and drinking should not mix when I went out to a business lunch after our dept. had a great audit. We went to a Japanese restaurant, and others were ordering what I thought was sake (about 15% alcohol), so I did, too. Turns out they ordered Asahi, which is beer, at about 5% alcohol. Guess who was the dumbass embarrassed by being drunk over a lunch and aware of it, too? Yep. So, pretty quick and painless at one humiliating lesson at age 19. I feel so much empathy for you and others who had to see themselves reflected in the horror of others' expressions. Peace, Kate