Addicted to Chaos: From Heart Attack to Heartache
The failed reunion of The Ram and his daughter
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Heart attack
The heart attack stopped him in his tracks. He was bloodied and bruised but he was alive. He had survived. However, he knew it was time to face reality - everything he loved doing was killing him. Burning the candle at each end; drugs, booze and putting his body through hell had brought him close to death.
He needed to make some serious life changes.
The parties. The casual sex. The late nights. The early mornings. The drugs. The alcohol. The rush of the crowd. His fans… Had all left him broken and alone. Surely it shouldn’t be this way?
The near-death experience had slowed him down but those feelings still lingered in the background. They always did. The excitement of the chaos. The adrenaline from the live crowd. The thrill of the unknown. But it was time to get his priorities straight. He longed to be loved. To share his love with the people that mattered most to him. To atone for his mistakes.
He signed up for more work. He cut down on his boozing. No more late nights. A little exercise - trying not to overdo it per doctor’s orders. He showed the woman he liked he was serious about her.
But more importantly, he tried to rekindle his relationship with his estranged daughter.
She was cautious of course. He had let her down numerous times in the past but he seemed different this time. Like he really wanted to right the wrongs of the past. So she agreed to an afternoon together. And they had a wonderful time. They chatted, laughed and even danced. Father and daughter. She hugged his arm as he walked.
She had dropped her guard - slightly - and they were making headway. He knew he had a long way to go to repair the damage he caused to their relationship but he was willing to try. They arranged to meet again. He was so excited.
That’s when the devil reared its ugly head. The demon on his shoulder returned to sabotage his chance at happiness. Call it what you want; untreated alcoholism, addiction to chaos, unresolved trauma, commitment issues. Whatever it was, it took over again.
It started subtly. When you’re happy and life turns positive you celebrate, right? You do the things you enjoy. So that’s what he did. He returned to watch the thing he loved to do most in the world. It was innocent enough. But it got his adrenaline racing. And the familiar feelings returned. What if? Just one drink. It’ll be ok. All thoughts of other things vanished. The addiction had him now.
Hungover from the drugs and alcohol, he crawled out of the random woman’s bed and made his escape. He still hadn’t realised. He finally got home as the comedown kicked in. He needed sleep. A few hours later, it hit him. He had missed the meet-up with his daughter. The same feelings smacked him in the face like a tonne of bricks. Shame, remorse and regret. He felt them so many times. And every time he swore it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.
That was the end of that. He had blown it. The last chance he had to rebuild the bond he’d broken with his daughter. Gone. Done. Finished. Over.
There was nothing left to do.
Shunned by the woman he liked. Rejected by the daughter he kept letting down. Ignored by the industry he had bled for.
Cue the inevitable spiral.
*strong language warning ☝️
Heartache
This was the story of Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson - excellently played by Mickey Rourke - from the film, The Wrestler.
After watching it the other night, I wanted to touch on this particular part of the film. The one where another night of drinking, partying, cocaine and casual sex caused Randy to miss dinner with his daughter, Stephanie - played by Evan Rachel Wood.
Although I was never a wrestler and I don’t have a daughter, this part of the film really hit home as an addict in recovery. As someone who has ruined good things because of his addiction to alcohol, self-sabotage and chaos, seeing Rourke’s character screw up his chance of reconciliation was heartbreakingly close to home.
I’ve experienced that feeling when you realise you’ve fucked up. When you’ve been drunk and forgotten the important thing you were meant to be doing the next day. I’ve experienced the remorse, regret and shame of knowing that alcohol and drugs had been my undoing once again… And that I seemingly had no control over it.
I hoped ‘Ram’ would reconnect with Stephanie and they’d grow their relationship, but I knew full well, from personal experience, that the wrestler hadn’t faced his demons with sober strength and was likely to be tripped up by ever-returning sabotaging actions.
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This part of the film made me appreciate my sobriety even more. It made me appreciate the relationship I have with my son. It made me appreciate that my life is no longer controlled by chaos and that I can make important decisions with a clear head.
Yes, I still have my bad days and I’m by no means perfect, but sobriety has given me a second chance at life and at overcoming the same self-sabotaging tendencies that cost Randy The Ram a shot at happiness with his daughter.
I could feel his pain. I could see the scared lost boy that stared back at me for so many years. Haunting the mirror and plaguing my dreams. I could sympathise with Randy because I had been him. But sobriety changed that.
When you’re not drowning in addiction, you’re free. Free to regain control of your life. Free to make positive choices to better your life. Free from the self-created chaos. And free from repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
Don’t make the same mistake Randy, myself and many others have made. When you get another shot at happiness or the chance to atone for past mistakes, don’t let addiction - to chaos, alcohol, drugs or whatever you’re struggling with - take it away from you.
Thank you for reading: “Addicted to Chaos: From Heart Attack to Heartache.”
If anything in this article resonated with you, then please leave me a comment :)
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Take care of yourself and your family,