Becoming a More Engaged and Nurturing Dad
Benefitting from a few small changes
Welcome to the AFFathers newsletter on Substack.
My son means the world to me, but recently I’ve worried that I’ve not been nurturing our relationship. I’ve been present as a dad, but maybe I haven’t done enough to lead him positively. Thankfully, I’m happy to report that after making some changes, my nurturing side has started to shine through and my son is really benefitting.
When I ditched alcohol I swore that I’dys be there for my son - and I have. However, there’s a massive difference between being a present parent and an actively nurturing one. I believe that - especially in this era of distraction - many parents are present but not engaging enough. If that sounds like you, it’s never too late. Trust me.
Since my last article, I have implemented some changes in my parenting approach and while, it’s still a work in progress I know I’m on the right track now. In this post I will share some of the things I’ve changed and how they’ve worked. Some of you will already be doing these things, while others might just need that extra push.
As I said, when I got sober I wanted to be a present dad. I wanted to be there for everything. I quit alcohol because I wasn’t there - okay, I was there physically, but mentally I was battling my demons. I was over the moon to be a dad but my alcohol addiction was brutal around that time, and so was the fear, worry and shame I felt.
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Over the years, I’ve continued to be there for my son. I have been present nearly every day of his life, but have I always been the positive influence I thought I was? That’s what I’ve been questioning recently. I have been here, but have I been doing enough? Have I been guiding him the way I wanted? Have I been leading him right?
These questions ran through my head regularly until I decided enough was enough - it was time for action. I was forced to implement changes before it was too late. They’ve not even been that drastic. They’ve been things I’ve always wanted to do anyway. Things I knew I should be doing! It has eased the uneasiness I’ve been feeling.
Involvement
The first change was to include my son in everything I was doing. That might sound simple, but how many of you just go into autopilot when you’re doing tasks around the house? When you cook dinner, how many of you cook while your children are ready or playing games? How many of you include your children in the cooking process?
For the last few weeks, my son has been doing everything with me… And he loves it! From making breakfast and cooking dinner to doing the laundry, making beds and topping up the oil in the car, my son has been right by my side with me. I always wanted to do this with him but I got so caught up with life that I forgot.
I ask him questions as we go along. I try to pass on my knowledge as we do things. If I don’t know the answer to one of his questions, I get him to write it down and we look for the answer when we get back home - I don’t reach for Google straightaway! I try to inspire thoughts of the tasks, however mundane.
When I sit down at the computer, I get him to help me. I get him to take the lead on the task. I want him to learn new skills. Although we run a strict no-technology household, I recognise that he will need to learn some basics. I’ve even shown him how to write on Substack - so keep your eyes out for future articles from him!!
I encourage him to lead the tasks and use me as his helper. I want him to trust his own voice. I want him to know that I’m listening. I also want him to take responsibility. I want him to have pride in the things he’s doing. More so though, I want him to have fun while learning - and that’s the fine balance we parents need to strike.
Balance
Balancing fun and laughter with teaching and discipline can be tough and I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve probably been slacking on the latter side of parenting in favour of the former, lighter side. Henceforth, that’s why I’ve implemented these recent changes. To rebalance my parenting. I love having fun, but I also need to teach.
There’s no reason we as parents cannot do both. Learning can be fun and everything can be a teaching point - we just need the right approach. We need to funnel our energy into the right areas of our lives as parents. I’ve found that asking questions and focusing on his interests have helped provide both fun and learning for my son.
I’ve always parented from a place of love, but I’ve not always parented from a place of practicality. What I mean by this is, I’ve always been quick to make sure my son has felt loved, but as a result, my parenting may not have actually been serving him the best. Basically, and again, being a loving and present parent is not the same as being an intentionally engaged parent.
So, I’ve been taking his interests, skills and strengths into account at every opportunity. If I’m able to mould my teaching point to speak to interests, skills and strengths then I will do that. As a result, he responds better, plus I throw in the occasional dad joke for good measure!
My son’s main interests are karate, acting and designing comic books. I’ve tried to incorporate these into the things I’m teaching him. I’ve also been focusing on these interests with extra intensity because they mean a lot to him - whereas before I was probably guilty of autopilot parenting instead of parenting with engagement in mind.
For example, I managed to craft a lesson around comic book design which included both his other main interests. I spent time helping him create a comic book character around karate while explaining the importance of building back stories and embracing character development - which is directly related to acting. It was wonderful.
During more mundane tasks, I’ve been getting him to take on the role from an actor’s point of view. How would your character handle this situation? How would he deal with the ups and downs of the task? How would you describe your feelings if you were an actor asked to play this role? This proved a huge hit.
I’ve also encouraged him to share his feelings during tasks. The emotions he feels before, during and after. For example, he explained that he felt proud of himself for completing his homework. He said he felt a little overwhelmed while helping me cook a meal the other night. He has opened up a lot recently and I love it.
Conclusion
It’s crazy how easy it was for the nurturing and engaging side of my parenting to slip away and be replaced by autopilot “present” parenting. Thankfully, these changes have had the desired effect and came at the right time. I now feel more confident in my parenting and my son is enjoying the new approach too.
Engaging properly with your child is crucial for their development, bonding and overall well-being. Nurturing your relationship with them takes more than just making sure they feel loved or being present, it’s about being engaged. It’s about taking a real interest in them and providing space for them to grow.
With all this in mind, here are some simple ways to be a more engaged parent:
Put away your phone and focus on the present moment with your child. Make an effort to be emotionally present.
Talk to them regularly. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively to their responses. Listen carefully to their words, tone and body language. Respond thoughtfully and empathetically to their needs and concerns.
Involve them in activities you’d normally do on autopilot. Include them in the cooking and cleaning. Show them aspects of your work.
Take a genuine interest in their interests and hobbies. Ask them about their passions and support their development.
Speak positively and encouragingly. Focus on their strengths and accomplishments.
Attend school events, sports games and other activities important to them. Show your support and interest in their life.
Being a more engaged parent is not about being perfect; it’s about making an effort to be interested, supportive and nurturing. And while being present and loving is obviously extremely important, this other side is as equally beneficial. It has certainly helped me and I’m sure it’ll help you too. Good luck :)
Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:
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Take care of yourself and your family,