Your Best Behaviour and Alcohol Don't Mix

The escalation of alcohol

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I remember one specific occasion when I wanted to be on my best behaviour.

I was meeting my wife’s extended family for the first time and was panicking about it. It wasn’t so much that I was nervous about meeting them, it was because I knew I was staying the night and that there would be a lot of alcohol around.

Now at this point, I knew I drank a lot but I didn’t think it was a problem. However, I was worried because I wanted to make a good impression and after embarrassing myself around my wife during our courting days, I didn’t want to do the same thing around her family.

Like I said, I knew I drank a lot. I liked alcohol. I liked how it made me feel. I liked the confidence it gave me. But I also hated it too. I hated how easily I could drink it. I hated the person I became when I was drunk. I hated the consequences of my drunkenness. I hated upsetting those I loved with my drunken actions.

But I never thought of quitting.

That came later.

So, I knew I had to be careful. I knew I had to make a good impression.

When I was offered my first beer, I said thank you but was instantly gripped by fear and apprehension. I knew, deep down, what could potentially happen once I took that first sip.

I promised myself that I would make the first beer last as long as I could. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself or my wife in front of her family. I was going to nurse this beer for as long as possible so that I would give myself the best chance of not getting too drunk.

I looked at my phone to check the time. It was 2 pm.

That fear and apprehension tightened their grip on me. I was about to take my first sip and we still had hours of daylight left.

Daytime drinking had never been a good idea for me. I drank like a fish. I was hardly ever sick and I never really got tired. So when I used to drink in the day, I would still be one of the last to bed… having left a trail of destruction in my wake!

Daytime drinking also caused blackouts. I didn’t pass out but I would wake up the next day not remembering anything!

As I took that first sip, it hit me. The wave of calmness and peace. It was like a switch had been flipped. The tight grip of fear and apprehension was released and I felt at ease. Gone were any thoughts of making this beer last or of being on my best behaviour.

Alcohol sank its claws into me instantly and was now in control of my thoughts and actions.

You may think that I’m being overdramatic. You may think that I’m making this up.

But think back to your own drinking, didn’t you find it hard to stop once you’d started? Wasn’t that first sip the best? Didn’t you chase the feelings it gave you for the rest of the night?

The escalation from that first sip nearly always occurred. Sometimes I wouldn’t drink more than one beer, but I chased that ‘first sip feeling’ again with every gulp.

Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash

Back to the story.

I had that first beer quite quickly and I remember the look my wife gave me. It was a mix of happiness that I was there and fear that I was ready to get drunk. We had only been dating a few months but she knew my reputation.

The Haunting Faces of Halloween Horror

I was the party guy. The guy who liked to drink and have fun. The guy who was overly confidence. The guy who was a big flirt and liked to be the centre of attention.

(I was the guy who drank too much. The guy who had no off switch. The guy who always took it too far. The guy who never remembered the pain and embarrassment he caused.)

I knocked back a couple more beers and then a few rum and cokes.

I was gone.

I was having fun and making people laugh. Her family seemed to like me.

But I was drunk.

I was starting to get loud and reckless. I was starting to show off. I was everything I didn’t want to be and I didn’t know anything about it.

I was out of control.

In that moment, I was oblivious to my actions and how my wife felt about me. I was unaware that her family had become unimpressed with my behaviour.

When I woke up, there was a lot of nervous energy in the air. I could sense it.

It wasn’t the first time I had been around it. I had woken up many times around friends and strangers after a drinking session and felt this uneasiness in the air.

My wife’s family were lovely to me. They offered me breakfast and a cup of tea, but I knew something wasn’t right.

My wife (she was my girlfriend at that time) was angry and upset with me.

I apologised for my drunkness - although I had no idea what I was apologising for.

She smartened me up later when she had calmed down and I was on my way to work.

The escalation from that first drink had led me to sleep in a totally different place than I was meant to. Drunkenly pronounce my love for a celebrity I didn’t really like. Piss off one of my wife’s family members. Endanger the life of one of her cousins. Go through an entire bottle of rum. And try to break into a swimming pool for a late-night skinny dip.

All of which I couldn’t remember doing at the time.

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I laughed off some of the events and put it down to me being nervous and trying to show my wife’s family that I was a fun guy. But I swore to myself that I would have more control next time.

Once the ramifications of that night calmed down though, it wasn’t long before I was at it again. Not too long after this, I was back to embarrassing myself and my wife again.

Again, I apologised. Again, I didn’t know what I was apologising for. Again, I swore off alcohol or at least have more self-control. Again, I failed.

The vicious cycle of my drinking.

Conclusion

I share this story with you because I can look back now, nearly six years sober, and realise that this behaviour wasn’t normal. It was the behaviour of a guy lost in addiction. A guy stuck in that painful limbo period of knowing that his drinking had become detrimental to his life but not knowing how to stop.

I hope that by sharing this story you can see the similarities in your own drinking or that of a loved one and realise that alcohol is causing you/them harm.

I went through lots of stages during my drinking days.

Binge drinking, daily drinking, daytime-only drinking, evening-only drinking, beer-only drinking, spirit-only drinking, weekend drinking, weekday drinking.

But of all of them, there's one I recommend the most…

Not drinking.

By getting sober, you stop putting yourself in the type of situations I shared above. You allow yourself time to heal from the pain drinking has caused you.

You gain a new superpower - a strength that grows every day you choose to stay sober.

It takes courage to change your life for the better but I believe you can do it.

Thank you for reading “Your Best Behaviour and Alcohol Don't Mix.”

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Take care of yourself and your family,

Roscoe | @AFFathers

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