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Fear in Fatherhood
I’ve lived in fear for years. It’s been debilitating at times.
Since putting down the drink over 5 years ago and recently deciding to work more diligently on my recovery, without any excuses, the number of times ‘the fear’ hits me now has dramatically decreased.
However, one lingering fear revolves around fatherhood. More specifically the day-to-day choices I am making for my son.
Sometimes these can be small choices that feed into bigger fears I have, such as decisions around diet, social groups, school matters, sports, etc.
Now, it’s not all of these and it’s not all of the time, but things such as;
What am I going to make him for breakfast/lunch/dinner? How will the food I give him now affect him in the future? Is he getting enough vitamins? Is the water we drink pure enough?
Should he have the government/school-recommended vaccines? How will they affect him in the future? Are the subjects they teach necessary? What subjects should he be focusing on? Should I home-school him?
Which sports should he focus on? What if I put him in the wrong sports when he could have prospered in X? Is he doing too many activities after school? Do I push him enough?
Should I stop hanging around the parents of X because their children are too rough or unnecessarily mean to my son? How will this affect his interactions with difficult people in the future?
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These are among the questions running through my head on a near-daily basis. These are some of the things that make me feel the most fear because I don’t want to make the wrong choices for my son now and for him to be affected by them in the future.
I want what is best for my son as I’m sure you want the best for your children. And some of these decisions matter.
Many of the dads I’ve spoken to are in their heads way too much. I can relate, as outlined above! Yes, a lot of decisions do matter but irrational fears, thoughts and behaviours are not going to help.
As I’ve written about previously, if I get lost in my own head and allow myself to be bogged down in fear then I’m doing my son a disservice.
was spot on when he said that we as dads “can’t pour from an empty cup.” And we definitely deplete our energy levels when we allow fear to take over.If we as fathers get lost in the fear of parenting/ making parenting decisions then we are ultimately failing as dads.
Of course, we want to make the correct decisions, but when you are a person living in fear - trust me, I’ve been there for years - you don’t act the way you normally would.
Fear has a tendency to change people’s behaviours. It manifests in different ways in different people but it does change you. Some people act out, some people get angry, some people lock themselves away (physically and metaphorically), some people revert back to old behaviours, and some people lose themselves in their coping mechanisms.
Dads, it’s so important that we don’t let fear dictate our lives.
The funny thing is though, most dads I know are extremely fearless when it comes to building bonds with their children. They are willing to entertain things that would have previously been out of their comfort zones.
Some dads I know have confronted their fears for the sake of their kids. Some things they’ve done might not seem like much to others, but to them, they were a big deal.
What fears have you confronted as a father for the sake of your children?
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Fearless in Fatherhood
I will share a little story from when my son was young. I’m using this as an example because, from personal experience, I’ve seen some dads flinch at the mere mention of doing such a thing.
Back when my son was going to nursery, he attended a wonderful Spanish-speaking establishment about a 45-minute walk away from where we lived at the time - so well over an hour with a small toddler!
After picking him up one day he was feeling a little restless in his pram so I decided to sing to him. But not just sing, I mean the whole shebang. Voices and actions too!
It’s not something I would have considered doing before - well, maybe when I was drunk - but I knew he would get a kick out of it and it would be an opportunity to bond over something silly.
It was a busy route home and that day there seemed to be more people around than normal. I later found out that there was a path closed and people were being pushed the way we were going!
I decided that I would sing some of the classic songs from The Jungle Book as we made our way through the overly crowded city centre. The immense joy we both experienced on this walk as we bonded over those memorable hits is something I will always cherish. I still remember that day, even now.
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But how different that joyous walk could have been if I had allowed my fear of looking stupid in front of strangers to stop me from letting go and enjoying this moment with my son?!
Imagine if I had let fear of what people thought of me stop me from belting out Bare Necessities while acting like Baloo, the laid-back and happy-go-lucky bear?
What if I had told my son to stop embarrassing me as he pretended to be one of the elephants as I sang Elephant Patrol to him?
I would have missed out on making a memory that is still with me to this day and also missed out on the fun and laughter my son and I had that afternoon.
Fear of what others think, in situations like this, serves us no purpose other than to limit our progression as dads.
As I said at the beginning, I experience fear as a father but alongside working on my recovery and overcoming my fears, I look to other dads for advice and guidance as I continue to become a better father, friend and family man.
Remember, fear is a silent killer and it’s time to eliminate it from your life.
I hope you enjoyed this free edition of the AFF Newsletter on Substack. If you have any thoughts, questions or suggestions, then please get in touch:
Take care of yourself and your family,
AFF
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Fear is a big reason for drinking. It can stem to so many different places!
💯 “Remember, fear is a silent killer and it’s time to eliminate it from your life.”
In everything possible.