How Do You Have Fun?
And other questions you get asked in sobriety
Welcome to the AFFathers newsletter on Substack.
I went to a friend’s bar opening last night - an event I would have used as an excuse to get drunk (not that I ever really needed one!) It was a great night and I was pleased to see the smiles on their faces after the successful launch.
I navigated the event without any problems - in terms of drinking - (I’m glad to say I don’t ever feel the urge to drink at things like this any more) - and guess what; I had loads of fun!
Going to nights like these now shows me how far I’ve come since ditching alcohol. It also disproves the cliche that you need booze to enjoy yourself.
It’s crazy to think now, but there was a time when I thought I’d never be happy without alcohol. Seriously. I thought I’d never be able to have fun or laugh and joke with my mates without drinking a few (10) pints. I thought that a life without booze would be boring. How wrong I was!
Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have fun during my drinking days. Because I did. I had some great times. But there was always an undercurrent. Something that no one could see but I could always feel deep inside me. There was always this feeling I couldn’t shake. Some might call it '‘impending doom’, others might call it plain ‘alcoholism’. Whatever it was, I felt it nearly every time I drank, every time I was about to drink and every time I woke up after drinking.
I couldn’t shake the feelings of regret, remorse, guilt and shame. FEAR. I couldn’t escape the hangovers. I couldn’t shake the embarrassment. The victim mentality. The insecurity. The desperation to fit in. They all followed me as I went from one boozy event to another. One alcohol-fuelled night to the next. All these emotions ran deep, only masked by the ‘thrill of a good night’ - the night that every alcoholic chases. Trying to replicate it. Trying to recapture the feelings. Trying to escape everything bad about life for just one night.
I remember when I was due to meet some of my girlfriend’s (now wife) workmates for the first time. We were a relatively new couple and I was still in that stage where I was trying to be cool and show her I was fun, while simultaneously not coming on too strong but still showing her that I was interested! Needless to say, I found dating complicated. Mostly because I hadn’t helped myself with years of extremely casual relationships, one-night stands and quick unreciprocated attachments (from both sides). All while under the influence!
It was like my heart and head hated the dating scene because alcohol was my one true love.
Before meeting up with my gf and her mates in the pub, I drank a bottle of vodka. I was in a weird mood. Not the fun drunk mood I was hoping for. I’d drunk too much for that. I’d miscalculated my ratios. My system was off. Yes, I used to have a system. I knew roughly how much booze I needed to be in that happy tipsy mood that people seemed to love. The mood where I was the entertainer. The life and soul of the party. The guy who cracked well-timed sexual innuendos that made everyone laugh.
The man this woman wanted to date.
The problem was, she may have wanted to date that guy, but I wasn’t really that guy. I was 70-80% alcohol during this time. Unbeknownst to anyone, I was struggling with my drinking. Some may have suspected but they never knew the true extent. Most saw the fun-loving guy who liked a drink and loved to party! An alcoholic hidden behind bravado fuelled by alcohol. The irony.
“Man, you’re so funny.”
“You party hard!”
“You’re fucking crazy.”
Does this sound familiar?
Anyway, at this particular event, meeting my gf’s colleagues for the first time, I turned up completely drunk. I was a mess. Instantly I knew I’d overdone it on the voddy. I could see the look on my girlfriend’s face. The look that haunted me. It appeared like the group were talking about me. A couple seemed to laugh. The guy my girlfriend was sitting next to when I entered gave me a funny look and that was it, there was no turning back. I was on a mission to get more drunk and blow everything up. Fuck my life!
Of course, it was all in my head. But I did ruin the night. Not just for me, but for my girlfriend and some of her mates. It was an absolute disaster. And serves as a great reminder of how alcohol on nights out aren’t necessary. How alcohol doesn’t make nights out more fun. In the opinion of a former drunk.
The questions
Thinking about the positive comments I used to get about my drinking reminds of the questions I’ve gotten in sobriety. It’s so funny to hear them because they’re so counter opposite. A lot of the queries don’t come from a bad place, it’s just because many don’t know how bad my drinking was back in the day. Newer friends who have only known me sober probably wouldn’t be asking me these questions if they knew the drunk me. The guy who was close to ending it all because alcohol had taken over his life.
Here are just some of the questions I’ve heard since quitting booze:
“How do you have fun?”
“How do live without a wine at dinnertime?”
“Is it just beers you don’t drink?
“So what, no beers after work now?”
“You’re not going to have a drink with me on my wedding day?”
“I bought you a low alcohol beer, is that ok?
“Did you lose your penis?” Yes, someone actually said that to me. You know, because drinking makes you more manly!
So many comments. So many questions.
But one thing has remained – my sobriety.
Being sober isn’t boring
My sobriety has stood strong over 6+ years because I know where alcohol would lead me. For that fleeting moment of fake alcoholic freedom, I’d be shackled to the liquid poison once again. It’s not worth it.
When I think about my life now, I know that getting sober was the right decision because my life is less chaotic, despite navigating some extremely tough times. I’m also in control now. Not led by alcohol. Not drowning in the darkness of drunkenness.
I’m living my life now. I’m not merely a spectator.
Leaving alcohol behind is not just about saying no to a drink, it's about saying yes to self-respect.
Getting drunk all the time is an act of self-loathing. Getting drunk BEFORE an important night out is a form of self-sabotage. Getting drunk and ruining events for your friends, family and loved ones is selfish and an act of self-sabotage.
This is why sobriety is so important. It’s so important to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. It’s so important to leave your drunken days in the past because you deserve better.
Remember, you don’t need alcohol to have fun on a night out. You don’t need it to take the stress off the day. You don’t need it to watch the football. You don’t need wine with dinner. You don’t need booze to go to bed. You are better than booze.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN BOOZE.
Thank you for reading: “How Do You Have Fun?”
If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then please leave me a comment:
Here are some useful articles related to today’s post:
Check out the last post: “Addicted to Chaos: From Heart Attack to Heartache.”
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Take care of yourself and your family,
Roscoe | Alcohol Free Fathers
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Well done Roscoe on going to an event where alcohol is flowing but having fun without it.
I've always despised the "how do you have fun?" mindset from people. It's so ingrained in our culture that some use their favourite alcoholic drink as an extension of their personality.
I have friends who I get on with so well but don't make much effort to catchup up with because I can't bear the looks and feeling I have to justify myself when I order a diet coke!
Hey, sober mom here, appreciating the male perspective! 👋 I often struggle with the addiction to toxic people, places, and things—it's tough to shake off that "dry drunk" feeling. Fun is subjective, whether you're sober or not. What brings one person joy might be a total buzzkill for someone else.
These days, it's easier for people to understand the choice not to drink, especially with the growing focus on physical and mental health. Some even find it admirable. I usually add, "I have many other vices," to keep things humble and relatable.