The Rucksack of Shameful Secrets

Hiding addiction in plain sight

Welcome to the AFFathers newsletter on Substack.

I’ve spoken before about the importance of reaching out for help when you’re struggling with addiction but I know how hard it is.

During my drinking days, when I thought my alcohol use was spiralling out of control, I was so afraid to reach out to people and tell them about my struggles.

I thought it showed weakness. I thought I could get it under control myself. I thought that no one would understand or that no one would think I had a problem.

However, as I later found out, a lot of people were not shocked when I began my sobriety journey.

You may be shackled to booze now but sobriety is the key to set you free.

Rather than reach out, you’re probably hiding your addiction. I did the same. For years, I tried to hide the extent of my drinking. I was quite successful at it… until I wasn’t!

I had got deception down to a fine art. I hid my addiction in plain sight. I was cunning and strategic with my drinking.

I remember one time when I had the day off from work and wanted to let loose. I wanted to surprise my wife by being that carefree guy she’d married. To do that, I’d decided to get ‘a little tipsy’ before she got home.

When she got home and questioned my drunkenness, which I knew she would, I pointed to the strategically placed empty beer cans on the kitchen counter to show I wasn’t that bad.

However, located in my handy rucksack, the main source of storage for my shameful secret drinking, was another six empty cans. The same rucksack I used to empty into the recycling bin on my way to work and wonder when I drank all that booze!

I was trying to save the planet with my recycling but I was polluting my mind, body and soul with my drinking.

On this particular occasion, I tried to woo her like I did back when we first met - when ironically my drinking was probably worse than at this particular time - but ultimately failed. I was more drunk than I thought. The charismatic guy I’d intended for her to see wasn’t as suave as he thought he’d be!

With the power of sober hindsight, I can see now that the more I tried to hide my drinking, the more I exposed the alcohol addiction I had. It was in the desperate state of trying to hide my drinking that I caused more wounds.

The internal dialogue that goes on inside an alcoholic is toxic.

The self-hatred and self-loathing. The shame, guilt and remorse that eats away at you. The negative and hateful words you call yourself. The poisonous thoughts.

It takes its toll.

The lies and deceit to those you love. The sneaking around trying not to get caught out. The empty bottles hidden around the house. The late nights at the pub or drinking alone on the beach or park bench. The broken promises made to those who trusted you. The boozy benders before a big day, followed by the horrendous hangover.

The great lengths many addicts go to in order to keep their addiction hidden is unbelievable when you think about it. The pain it causes.

It really highlights the power it has over people.

Do you find yourself in this situation?

• Are you hiding your drinking?

• Has your alcohol use led you to a negative internal dialogue?

• Are you afraid to reach out for help?

As I said at the beginning, I know how hard it is to admit to someone that you’re struggling. I also know how hard it is to be stuck in that period between wanting to quit drinking and not being able to.

It’s one of the roughest and most heartbreaking times for an alcohol addict.

That Painful Limbo Period

However, I’m here to tell you that as hard as you might find it now to reach out for help, the alternative is even harder.

Maybe if I’d reached out sooner, I wouldn’t have done so much damage to myself and those around me during the last few years of my drinking.

Yes, there is the argument that things happen when they are supposed to happen, I get that, but what I saying here is, don’t wait.

Please.

If you’re struggling with your alcohol use, all you need to do is reach out for sobriety, grab it and don’t let go. You can do it.

Here are a few initial actions you can take:

• Call your local AA helpline

• Speak to someone you trust

• Book a recovery call with me

• Contact a local treatment centre

• Go to an addiction recovery meeting

I’ll leave you with this.

Picture your life now.

Picture yourself going through the same cycle of:

Drunk-hangover-shame-guilt-pain-drunk-hangover-shame-guilt-pain-drunk-hangover-shame-guilt-pain-drunk-hangover-shame-guilt-pain-drunk.

Sounds awful, right?

You don’t need to put yourself through this.

Reach out to someone today.

Admit to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol and share that with another person.

Be open and honest with them.

Seek help.

I don’t want to see you go through that same cycle I went through for 20+ years.

You can choose to break that cycle.

You can choose sobriety.

You CAN do this.

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Thank you for reading “The Rucksack of Shameful Secrets.”

If you enjoyed this article and you would like to support me, then you can become a paid subscriber. If you’re not in the position to do this, I’d be very grateful if you’d ‘buy me a coffee’. I’m a stay-at-home dad and every little helps :)

Check out the last post “Fatherhood: The Impact of Our Decisions.”

Take care of yourself and your family,

Roscoe | @AFFathers

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