Sobriety and Sunshine, Booze and Beats
Manage my manic music?
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Sobriety and Sunshine
Over the weekend I took my son and wife to explore a new city about an hour and a half away from our home. I love adventuring with them because we have so much fun; creating new, amazing memories - another gift sobriety has given me! It’s a huge bonus that my son is a pro at long car journeys and enjoys visiting new places because when I have the money, I’d love to travel more with him.
On the drive there we talked about the week we’d each had. I asked my son how he thought school had gone that week. His response was predictably non-committal as most parents of my son’s age (8) would attest to! “It was ok.” “Nothing much happened.” “We didn’t learn anything.” My son would have me believe that the teachers teach nothing and all they do at school is play games and have fun… maybe that’s true!
My wife and I explained a little more about the place we were visiting and we engaged him in conversation, asking him about his favourite places we’ve visited. His voice grew more excited describing our trip to Morocco and the recent trip he and I took to England.
As we approached the city, we all talked about what we wanted to do. The top of my son’s list was to find a park and somewhere to climb. My wife wanted to head to the Marina and have some paella for lunch. And I wanted to enjoy a coffee and eat some cake next to the sea! After stumbling upon a free parking area, we instantly found a park and the beach then shortly after we saw the luxury boats and perused the lovely restaurants until one took our fancy.
The fresh air filled our lungs, sweetened by the smell of money from the seaside city’s affluent residents. My son danced on the rocks and made rocks dance on the waves. We walked hand-in-hand across the sand and meandered through the cutesy cobbled streets. Surrounded by breathtaking views illuminated by an autumn sun, we dined on the local cuisine as the sun set over the ocean.
It was a wonderful day out.
Before getting sober over six and a half years ago, alcohol would have been the centre of this adventure. The temptation of trying a beer in a new city would have been too much. I would have justified it as a treat. A reward for driving. Something you did when you were in a new place. “I have to try the local beer/wine.” “Of course I’ll have a drink, it’s such a lovely day.” “I deserve this.” “I’ve earned this.”
I would have convinced myself that wine or beer with dinner was the perfect way to end a lovely family day out. I would have convinced myself that a picture of me holding a beer whilst the waves crashed against the rocks was what I needed to remember the day! I would have convinced myself that to have fun on this trip, alcohol was the answer.
However, I know now that alcohol wouldn’t have enhanced the experience, rather it would have taken away from it. Having a drink, even just one or two, would have been on my mind the whole time. I would have driven my loved ones crazy the longer I went without booze in my system. I would have had to have a pint when we arrived or my mood would have changed. I would have had to have a Corona on the beach or a couple of glasses of wine with dinner or I would have gotten grumpy. Every delusional, alcoholic justification for drinking you can imagine would have been going through my head. And it would have stopped until booze ‘quenched my thirst.‘
Thankfully, that wasn’t the case on this trip. No arguments were caused because my mind was focused on drinking and not on my family. No embarrassment was caused because of my drunken behaviour. I enjoyed the city with sober eyes, a warm heart and a clear head.
Booze and Beats
With some distance to travel and time ticking by, I embarked on the journey home under cover of darkness. It’d been a long day in the sun and I’d mistakenly forgotten to order a post-dinner/pre-drive expresso following our rather substantial lunch. I started to get a little tired around halfway. Driving on a full stomach and highly under-caffeinated, I was in serious need of a pick-me-up.
I wanted to get back home and tuck my tired son into his bed so I decided not to waste time stopping at the same budget, motorway diner I’d passed so many times and instead insisted that my wife crank up the tunes - which had slipped into the familiar groove of 80s rock.
Now, during the first 10 years or so of my drinking days, my friends and I would go fucking bonkers in one of our houses before heading out into town. We’d blast music until the walls vibrated and the neighbours complained. We’d sink shots, dance on the furniture and play bass-heavy tunes on repeat. We’d get drunk. We’d get high. We’d get rowdy. And much like an orchestra conductor, I’d be controlling the chaos.
I dictated the drinking tempo. I raised the pre-party rhythms. I created chaotic cohesion. I orchestrated my ‘orchestra’ - with a baton bound together by debauchery - to cause maximum carnage.
We got drunk and took drugs against the backdrop of sick beats and repetitive hooks. These ‘pre-drink parties’ - which were designed to save us money but, in fact, did the opposite - were fuelled by drink and drugs and driven by dubstep, drum and bass and The Lonely Island!
During this particular time in my ‘drinking career’, it was crucial that I had a soundtrack fitting with my mental state - loud, chaotic and manic - to drink to. These tunes acted like another drug. I needed them to ‘balance’ me. When the alcohol kicked in - a natural depressant - the music lifted me up. It was a combo that proved both effective and lethal. The more the beats coursed through my veins, the more the booze did too. The louder and more thumping the bass or catchy the song, the more I drank. I needed that pick-me-up to carry me into the rest of the night. The problem was it made me crazy!
Anyway, I remembered the energy that music gave me and I wanted some of it on this drive home. I wasn’t sure if it only worked for me when I was boozing but I needed to wake myself up so gave it a go. And boy did it work!
I chose a newer song, not one I listened to back then, but one that proved equally mad and energetic. It instantly woke me up! Adrenaline shot through my body like diesel firing pistons in a race car. It was like rocket fuel. It was like epinephrine reviving a patient in anaphylactic shock. It had the desired effect. However, I didn’t like it.
After the song finished, I questioned my reaction to it. I was unnerved by the frantic energy that had possessed me. It was like I’d had an out of body experience. I wasn’t in control of my limbs. I was banging my head furiously to the beat. I became a bit of a lunatic! It was so powerful. I don’t know whether my body associated the music to my drinking days and expected there to be alcohol in my system, but whatever happened, it was intense. And it was just as crazy as I remember. I was transported back to a time I’d left well behind.
I vividly remember a time when I was dancing on one of the lounge room chairs. I was drinking vodka mixed with orange Lucozade and in charge of the music. It was midweek and one of my housemates had work in the morning. I was with a couple of friends who were drinking and dancing with me. It was loud. The guy who had work the next day entered the doorway at one point and was about to voice his disapproval at the volume of both the music and our rowdiness. Just as he cleared his voice to speak, I turned towards him. Over half a bottle vodka and some beers into the night and with my favourite dubstep tune playing, I looked at him. Our eyes met and he stared at me for a minute before his face changed. I can picture it now. Everything about his facial expression seemed off. He looked scared, worried and concerned all at the same time. He left without speaking. (We left shortly afterwards). I share this now because my wife flashed me that same glance as I lost my mind to the song in the car.
I now understand the look.
Although I don’t drink anything at all now, some people are able to drink in moderation. And that’s what I think I need to do with this type of music… as mad as that may sound! I just don’t think it serves me well to overindulge in something that seems to infect and possess me. I am done with mind altering substances. And unfortunately this might fall into that category!
Of course, I might be overthinking things and you might think I’m being overly paranoid but seeing my wife pull the same face as my mate did all those years ago shows that there is some power in that music for me and it might be worth rationing it! Either that or I’ll just save it for my workouts!!
I hope you enjoyed this article.
Let me know whether you’ve had any similar experiences with music.
Am I being crazy? Would listening to it in moderation or when I’m working out be a better idea? Or if anything in this article resonated with you, then please leave me a comment:
Thank you for reading: “Sobriety and Sunshine, Booze and Beats.”
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Take care of yourself and your family,
Roscoe | Alcohol Free Fathers
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I have physical reactions to some songs that remind me of specific nights out where I got particularly drunk. They weren’t particularly good songs or ones I loved which I’m grateful for.
Thankfully still love some good D&B or dance music, though now in my kitchen or to get the house work done quicker 😂
I still occasionally go to the all night parties with friends in the countryside (I live in the south of Spain. Everyone is convinced I’m drunk as I dance so much (which I like as I feel part of it but without any of the me with alcohol mix haha). I’m fuelled by flasks of tea (true story) or Cola (but this like posh organic brand because I am that person now).
I do not miss drinking at all in those moments, the music is my focus and I adore being able to drive home and sleep in my own bed.
There are moments that I do miss drinking but if music is involved it’s not one of them. Yey!
There is association with music that triggers thoughts, feelings memories - at a friends funeral they played 'don't want to miss a thing' by Aerosmith and it's all I think about when I hear it.
Music is a trigger it has the power to get us through the bad times, and is used as a prop to enhance 'the good times' - of certain types of music remind you of your drinking days, there is likely valid connection there.