From Chaos to Clarity: A Plea to Parents
The downfalls of drunken parenting
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Being a drunken dad would have destroyed me. It nearly killed me when I couldn’t stop drinking the moment my son was born. Another broken promise to myself. More shame stacked on top of pain. It would have been too much to take in the long run.
However, the above is me talking with the benefit of hindsight and nearly six years of sobriety. The reality is that I probably would have struggled through it up until now. Every week going through the same ‘will I quit, won’t I quit’ bullshit.
The nature of my addiction to alcohol was that I went through nearly the same cycle of shame every week. I would swear off booze at the beginning of the week, end up drinking towards the end of it and then live in shame for a couple of days.
This wasn’t exclusively the cycle of my drinking. There was daily drinking. Weekend drinking. After work only drinking. But each cycle would include some sort of shame, guilt or remorse - even when I was having a good time.
Excessive boozing on top of parenting duties, holding down a job and maintaining a marriage would have broken me eventually. I was already close to the edge - physically and metaphorically - during my son’s early life so it might not have taken much to push me over.
When I think about my daily life now as a dad and envision it without my sobriety, it suddenly becomes a lot more scary and unpredictable. I think about the small things I do now that I’d be undertaking with alcohol in my system.
Waking up with a hangover and trying to be there for my son would be awful. My hangovers were not pleasant at the best of times but with an excitable child wanting my attention in the morning they’d no doubt be a whole lot worse.
Think about your own experiences with alcohol and parenting. I bet that hungover feeling and your children excitedly jumping on the bed trying to wake you up is the first thing you think of. Am I right? Can you describe those feelings?
Now imagine how your kids feel in that moment. As they desperately jump on the bed to spend time with you, do you think they know they’re about to be shouted at? Do you think they’ll be upset by your short temper? When will they give up trying to wake you?
Since getting sober, I’ve witnessed a lot of parents stuck in addiction and most of the time it’s hard to watch. I’ve seen dads too preoccupied with drinking to parent properly. I’ve observed the look on the kids’ faces when their parent starts slurring his words.
I think about the times my son and I spend together now and wonder how they would look if I was still drinking. How would our hiking days look? I imagine they wouldn’t be as fun as they are now.
How would our games of football look? I imagine that they wouldn’t be as fun as they are now—the same with our random games of Sonic the Hedgehog (real-life re-enactments not the computer games). Then there is all the driving involved in parenting.
If I was still drinking, how often would I be driving with alcohol in my system? How many times would I be driving him to his sports clubs after a boozy session the night before? What about emergencies? What about nurturing, presence and love?
Imagine life through the eyes of a young child whose dad is desperately struggling with alcohol addiction. How scary would that be? How much confusion would you feel each day watching your dad drunkenly shouting at you for no reason?
How much sadness would you feel being left in the car for hours watching your dad disappear into that place that made him drive funny last time?
How scared would you be in that car watching your dad swerve towards oncoming traffic and beginning to fall asleep?
The child in this ‘extreme’ scenario would no doubt feel so terrified, unstable, unloved and lost – when they just wanted to feel the warmth, security and affection of their father. It’s heartbreaking to say that this probably isn’t too far-fetched.
Don’t be that dad. Think of your kids. If you’re struggling with excessive drinking, then it’s time to step up. It’s time to get sober. Reach out for help. Go to AA. Talk to someone you love. Speak to a sober friend. Reply to this post.
When I read accounts from dads such as
, who is telling his son “You are brilliant, you are intelligent, you are handsome, you are beautiful,” I think of the dads lost in their addiction and wonder whether they could articulate the love they have for their children in this way or if the devil’s grip would tighten around their throats.In a previous article, I wrote a letter to my son in which I shared some of the pain I felt in those early years before I managed to quit drinking. It speaks to the desperation I felt around my addiction and how I wanted to step up as a dad.
I share this again now because I want you to know that although you’re in pain now and feel like there is no hope of conquering your addiction, I am living proof that you can. I didn’t want to be a drunken dad and now I’m not.
You don’t want to scare your kids with your drinking. You don’t want to break that special bond you have with them. You don’t want to put them in danger because of your drinking. You don’t want them to feel scared, lost and unloved.
You can beat this addiction. You can get sober. You can work on your recovery and you can stay sober. You can be the best dad you can be by ditching booze and being a present, attentive and loving dad.
You have the power within you to overcome anything. You are stronger than you think. Don’t let alcohol get in the way of your duties as a dad. Don’t let it take precious time away from being a father. Don’t let your addiction ruin your life and the lives of your children.
Start your sobriety journey today.
Thank you for reading: “From Chaos to Clarity: A Plea to Parents.”
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Check out the last post: “Alcohol: Low Cost, High Price.”
Take care of yourself and your family,
Roscoe | @AFFathers
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